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Don’t feed the dog, chew with your mouth closed, and other lessons in etiquette

Growing up in an Iranian-American household, etiquette was a big deal. Hosting large family parties was the norm, and I quickly had to learn when to give two kisses (one on each cheek as a greeting) and when to give three kisses for more traditional (often older) guests. In Iranian culture, you never know when someone might stop by for “chai” (pronounced cha-ee) so it’s expected that you always have a platter with fruit, cucumbers, nuts, and cookies available on your coffee table. All of these “life lessons” I wouldn’t have learned had I not been taught proper etiquette.

A common beef with young kids is that they don’t have the same manners expected of prior generations. But whose fault is that? Etiquette is something to be taught, modeled, and expected. So what better time to teach it than right before the holidays. So that’s exactly what I did.

I started off with a little pre-assessment on what they knew to be common table manners. We had a good laugh about a few:

Don’t feed the dog under the table! (This contribution proceeded to a very detailed story from a student’s personal experience)
Don’t start a food fight.
If you feel like you’re going to burp… hold it in. (That was an interesting variation haha!)After a few quick videos on proper etiquette, it was time for our simulation. (In retrospect, I wish I would have brought in proper utensils/plates/cups, but sometimes my most creative ideas come the day of the lesson!)

I sent all the students outside and quickly “set the mood”.

Dim the lights. Check.

Turn on classical background music. Check.

“Menus” in hand. Check.

I then proceeded to let students in, one table at a time.

“Group 1, your table is now ready. Welcome to the Fancy Schmancy Restaurant. Your server will be right with you.”

The students were hooked. What was originally just a math lesson on ordering and budgeting now turned into a full on restaurant simulation- the perfect chance for them to play and practice their proper etiquette.

As each table group was greeted and given their menus, I noticed a shift in the classroom. The typical squirrely kids sat up a little straighter in their chairs. The quiet ones spoke up a little louder with confidence, requesting “a turkey leg with mashed potatoes for the entree” and “apple pie a la mode for dessert”. Some who are quick to take a challenge tested my waitress skills, asking if I had half and half to go with their coffee! 😂

The most hilarious interaction of the day:

S: “Do you have espresso?”

Me: “Yes. One shot or two?”

S: “Two please.”

Me: “Okay, one double espresso coming right up.”

S: “Thank you. Can you make it dirty?”

Me: “Excuse me?” (Was she asking for a dirty martini?🍸)

S: “I don’t know. My parents always seem to order their drinks dirty.”

HA!

First lesson in true etiquette- don’t repeat what you don’t understand!

With this little interaction, it reminded me that as adults we model etiquette all day long. The choices we make, the ways we react to others, and the patience and self-control we demonstrate during times of success and times of hardship, all lead to the behaviors children mimic.

We have the potential of raising the “smartest” generation with information at their fingertips, yet, if they don’t have manners or social skills… what good is all that knowledge? The longer I’ve taught, the more I’ve realized that it is less the academic content that I’ll expose/teach, and more the skills, mindsets, and manners that are important for young children.

Lastly, after two weeks stuck inside due to poor air quality from CA fires, playing restaurant was exactly what we ALL needed. You’re never too old for a little time to pretend. And you never know, maybe you’ll be ordering a dirty espresso at your next fancy schmancy dinner. 😉

Let the struggle happen. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Today was an eye-opening experience as a teacher. It’s the first Friday afternoon of the school year. For our 4th graders, this is the first time they haven’t had early dismissal after lunch like in their K-3 years. Being the only ones on campus when their siblings are done for the day can be hard to sell, but I try to reserve these afternoons for fun projects, teamwork challenges, and choice time.

As in typical first week tradition, I had my class put together our Room 14 Puzzle to display in our front window. Each person decorates a piece and they have to work together as a team to solve the puzzle. I don’t tell them what it will make (at the start) but some make a guess as it starts to form.

In activities like this, I can learn a lot about the culture of a class. Natural leaders step up to take charge. Natural followers listen to what they’re told by their peers. And some kids wait until all the work has been done by the majority of their group, and squeeze their puzzle piece in the 1 empty spot (not “initiative” but definitely a strategy for efficiency! Ha!)

Being my 10th year, I have made it an intention to respond to teachable moments as they arise, but also to let students “get comfortable with being uncomfortable.” This is a large factor of fostering a growth mindset, and an important component in building the traits of perseverance and grit.

And boy was it hard for them.

As they started the puzzle, I let them fully take the lead as I sat back and my desk and “appeared” to be distracted in my own work. Instead, I was observing, recording notes about personality traits, documenting the amount of time it took to get an idea started, and the approximate times that certain groups of students got frustrated and burned out. That window was quick. Within the first 4 minutes of the task. A few decided they didn’t like how others were taking lead, or they felt “bossed around” and quickly went to their seat. The difference this time was that they didn’t go to their seat disengaged because they had gotten bored. They were frustrated, and turned that frustration into gossip and complaining.

It took all my strength and willpower not to do the typical teacher move and come over and rescue those whose feelings were hurt and kindly suggest that the bossy leaders take a step back and let others have a turn. Instead, for 13 long minutes, I sat there observing how they handled their conflict. A few students came to me, asking for structure and suggesting that I have everyone rotate in for equal turns after 5 minutes. Others stuck it out, not knowing how to participate but also not wanting to give up. It got brutal as the train they’d hopped on was veering toward failure and frustration rather than success.

At the 13 minute mark, I stopped the clock, had them all go back to their seats, take a deep breath, and debrief. We talked about the difference between “Glows” (things that went well) and “Grows” (things that needed improvement), and their suggestions for how to solve the issue at hand. Then, each student got 5 minutes to reflect and share their opinion.

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After some deep discussion and reflection around the suggestions, they came up with the plan to divide and conquer. To start by finding a match to their puzzle (similar to the “find someone who…” activity I’d intentionally had them do earlier today) and only once they found a match, then try to add it to the larger puzzle, so there would be less conflict and crowding.

It was still tough, but in 6 minutes (less than half the time it took the first round) they were able to start fresh and complete the rest of their puzzle. Some smiles appeared, but no where near the cheers and excitement as in past years, because the struggle in the journey overpowered their excitement in seeing the end product.

My Takeaways:

Let the struggle happen. In my earlier years, I never would have had the chance to see how the students stepped up to handle the situation, because I would have handled it for them. Yes, there was some awkwardness. Yes, there were a few feelings hurt. And yes, some students were looking to me for guidance and I chose to sit back and observe. But what message am I sharing if every time a challenge or conflict arises, I jump in to be the problem solver because I don’t trust that they are capable of doing it themselves. They are capable. They have a voice. They just needed me to facilitate it so everyone could be heard. I never would have had the chance to do that if I had jumped in at the first sign of struggle.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. This goes twofold. The students needed the experience of being uncomfortable with the struggle and not letting themselves give up. About a third of the class literally handed someone their puzzle piece and sat at their seats when they didn’t like how it was going. I had to get comfortable with not being in the “rescuer” role. I’m not a mother yet, but the first example that comes to mind is the recommendation to new moms to let the baby cry, to let them learn to self-soothe. What we model as adults in the decisions we make, the cautions we share (“Oh Johnny, don’t climb on that! You might get hurt!”), and the timing in when we choose to step in to “fix” something shares a message with children. Whether intended or not, the message shows that there is a conflict the child can’t handle themselves, and that an adult is needed to fix it. I’ve been on both ends of that situation, both as a child/student, and as an adult/teacher. I think getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is more difficult the older we get, and ever more reason to try it with intention.

This year, we will focus a lot on building the soft skills students will need to be successful. As educators, we can talk all we want about building a “growth mindset” and valuing grit, perseverance, and problem solving. But if we don’t actually give students (and ourselves) authentic experiences to practice and build these skills, we’re just telling them these skills are important without the opportunities to actually grow.

So… that first week of school puzzle activity may just look like a “filler” to the teacher who is worried about not having enough time to “cover” all of their curriculum before testing, but how I define success in a year is not whether or not they can excel on that test. Yes, do I want them to do well and show what they know? Of course. But is that going to define who they are and prepare them for the world beyond fourth grade?

Not at all.

It is the attitude, the confidence, the communication skills, the ability to be comfortable with letting themselves struggle a bit in order to achieve a goal. That is what building a growth mindset means to me. Not watching a video here or there, singing a song, or reading one book on how the brain works. It is creating a learning culture where lessons are authentic, teaching is more like timely coaching and facilitation, and risks and reflection are experienced and modeled by both teacher and student.

Letting struggle happen alerts all the red flags in my former perfectionist nature. And it is all the reason more for me to push past what is uncomfortable, and simply give it a try.

For more reading on this topic, check out:

“The soft skills college students need to succeed now and in the future”- American Psychology Association

TED Talk- Angela Lee Duckworth- Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

TED Talk- Luvvie Ajayi- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable

Forbes- Why Feeling Uncomfortable Is The Key To Success

What is something you can do for yourself or your class to get comfortable with being uncomfortable? Share your ideas in the comments below!

If you like what you’re reading, subscribe to keep posted for more on this topic and the soft skills of teaching and learning.

Let children play.

As I sit here on the beach holding on to the last moments of summer, off in the distance I see a group of kids playing in the sand. Have you watched kids play in the sand? They don’t need adult guidance. They don’t need ideas for how to be creative. Even the most tech addicted child doesn’t get bored.

They play.

They build sand castles with the highest work ethic, braving the waves and the distance to get that best scoop of wet sand. The child building the structure out of drift wood has a purpose. He sees a potential fort in his future. He doesn’t need a lesson on architecture to realize that there is a certain angle the wood needs to lay so it doesn’t fall. He discovered it through exploration.

In the start of the year, I challenge you- don’t overplan every second of the day. Build in some room to let students play- at all ages.

I always wait til the first rainy day recess to pull out the games, and each year I wonder- Why didn’t I do this sooner? When the games come out and students have choice and freedom, little micro cultures build in the classroom. You get the group that wants a challenge that will wait 15 minutes in line just for their turn at a round of Connect 4. You have the doodlers in the back discovering what they can make with form, shape, and color. You get the persistent student who will spend the whole break setting up Keva Planks or Dominoes only to knock them down 5 seconds before the bell rings. You may even get the students like I did last year, who built a fake town on our carpet solely out of privacy folders typically used for testing. When they honored new members to the town and offered them roles such as mayor, I was shocked when the next student came around collecting property taxes. I couldn’t come up with something this entertaining if I tried!

And remember, not everyone will be so willing. You may even find that student who is uncomfortable with unstructured time and instead asks for advice about what she should play, and when you encourage her to just give something a try and join a friend, she ends up bouncing around from activity to activity because she’s been trained to only do things with directions.

Watching rainy day recess is more informative to me than some of my best assessments. From those 20 minutes, I can gain insight on personality traits, strengths, motivators, and friendships.

So this year I make a challenge to all who will take it- let “rainy day recess” come early, with or without the rain. Let your students have choice time, but not in the sense of you being tired and wanting them to stay busy so you can get a break. Be intentional. Observe, play, and take note of the interactions and ways your students spend their time. That is more of a window into their natural motivations and tendencies than any beginning of the year survey you can give them. It gives you light into what students would want to do if they aren’t thinking they’re “playing school”.

Unstructured play is something lacking in today’s youth, that has been a pivotal part of childhood for generations. “Learning is what we do best. We learn through our lives by wondering and exploring, experiencing and playing,” says Wendy Ostroff, child development professor and author of Cultivating Curiosity in K-12 Classrooms and Understanding How Young Children Learn. When we over-standardize education during the school day, and students then go home to their structured tutoring sessions, sports practices, and after school classes, they can go a whole day with their only time to “play” at recess or lunch, should they actually get up and not just sit the whole time eating.

Some of my favorite childhood memories were from unstructured play. I remember finishing my homework quickly so all the neighbor kids could meet behind our houses in “the ditch”, or when my brother and I created our new favorite sport- roller blade basketball! Or the time a classmate and I went house to house advertising our “business” by selling marigold seeds to neighbors (sorry Mom, I didn’t realize I’d de-flowered your front garden!) I bet you have your own list of play memories that defined not only your childhood but helped positively develop you into the person you are today.

I am going to challenge myself this year to let kids play more.

Are you up to take the challenge?

Let children play.

They are only kids once.

Get outside.

Last weeks of summer got your mind racing with a million to-do’s?

Get outside.

There’s nothing more grounding than being in nature. When I am most anxious or stressed, I usually want to push through until I see the job done.

What happens in reality though is the moment an emotional response happens (stress/frustration/burnout), my productivity goes down to minimal, leaving me even more angry that I didn’t get done what I expected.

I’ve learned this the hard way, but anytime you’re in a situation where you start to see yourself turning toward the negative, go take a break. In particular, get outside.

As I write this post, I’m sitting on the sandy beach of Morro Bay (central CA coast). The chirps and squawks of the seagulls make me chuckle as they remind me of the student in the front of the class wanting to be heard. (Cue Finding Nemo sound clip- “Mine. Mine. Mine!”) The chilly breeze alerts my senses, reminding me to stay protected. Nature can be powerful. The consistent waves crash along the shore reminding me that even amongst the calm, there will always be a new tide, a new wave, a new obstacle ahead. You can see it as a challenge and head for a lake or pond where the ripples won’t rock you. Or you can embrace the waves of the ocean and see that although they take you for a ride, they are a consistent part of life.

When I woke up this morning, I realized I had dreamed about all the tasks I needed to get done before school starts next week. But instead, I chose to get outside. Be it a walk, a jog, or even just simply a minute of fresh air, you will benefit from the recharge of mind, body, and spirit.

The tasks have not gone away, but I’m more relaxed and level headed going into them. They will get done. This breath of fresh air was worth it.

Unglue from your screen and get yourself outside. You won’t regret it.

Why you should get a Twitter account. Today.

Screen Shot 2018-07-06 at 9.28.40 AM.png — *An example of a simple tweet that went viral.*

Already on Twitter for professional learning?

Congrats, skip to part two below.

Part One:

Not on Twitter yet? Now is the time to dip your foot in.

Be honest. How often has your recent school/district professional development really met your needs? Have you sat in the back of a one-size-fits-all training thinking, “I could have led this myself?” There are schools leading great PD, and then some (just like our classrooms) are having a hard time meeting the needs of all teachers. It’s tough- you have the new teacher who needs training in the fundamentals, another teacher who has their routines down, and a few others in the mix who already have researched and tried a lot on their own. Enter the Twittersphere. The most up-to-date form of ongoing professional collaboration that will push you to think beyond your classroom/school/circumstances.

When I first started using Twitter at the encouragement of a district tech coach, I did it resentfully as I didn’t want to get sucked into the trap of meaningless social media of people posting about their every daily move… (no I don’t care about the Kardashians in 140 characters or less). But boy was I wrong. There was a whole playground of teachers “meeting” and “chatting” about really exciting ideas! It was the professional development I’d been searching for, all at my fingertips. If you’re just getting started, you can decide your role on Twitter. Will you be a “PD Detective” (only looking for others ideas), will you be a “Classroom Poster” (sharing your lessons for others to check out), or a “Frequent Reply-er” (quick to comment and start #TwitterChats), or a combination! Start small and comment on a few chats and you’ll be gaining momentum in no time.

HOW TO:

Many people have posted how-to resources for getting started with Twitter. I suggest checking out Twitter for Teachers: A Beginner’s Guide from Scholastic. It explains the common lingo (“what’s the difference between a Twitter handle and a hashtag?”) as well as how to get started.

Part Two:

Already using Twitter or ready to start finding people to follow? One of the easiest ways to begin is by simply following people who inspire you.

Here are some of my favorites to get you started:

@burgessdave– Dave Burgess. Author of Teach Like A Pirate. A strong Twitter participant who has helped a lot of teacher-authors get published!

@jmattmiller– Matt Miller. Author of Ditch That Textbook. One of my favorite teacher authors for authentic ways to make learning engaging. Matt is very responsive on Twitter and I appreciate how he’ll reply and retweet posts! He’s helped me connect with other educators online.

@gcouros– George Couros. Author of The Innovator’s Mindset.

@Teacher2Teacher– Teacher 2 Teacher online community. Whoever is behind this site has one of the quickest response times I’ve seen on Twitter. Tag Teacher2Teacher and they’ll connect you with other educators for fantastic discussions! It is an easy online space to be vulnerable, ask questions, and share ideas.

@sylviaduckworth– Sylvia Duckworth. #Sketchnote master. She’s sketchnoted more Ted Talks and current research than most. I’ve used her presentations in getting started with Sketchnoting for Students. Enjoy her fantastic resource here–> Sketchnoting for Beginners

@TeachThoughtPD– Teach Thought PD. A comprehensive professional development resource highlighting some of the latest research in education.

@coolcatteacher– Vicki Davis. Tech guide central! Fantastic website for tech resources by device and grade level.

@kathyschrock– Kathy Schrock. Another leader in EdTech.

@TaraMartinEDU– Tara Martin. Creator of #BookSnaps, a way to reflect about books using Snapchat, Bitmoji, and other engaging tech tools.

@mburnsmath– Marilyn Burns. Math guru. Retweets a lot of teacher applications of lessons from the “math bible”: About Teaching Mathematics

…and don’t forget to follow me!

@AlishaZ143

Want more specific suggestions for a topic or grade level- contact me or leave a comment below!

Book Look- The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

Today’s “Book Look” focuses on The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin. You may recall her name from the New York Times Bestseller, The Happiness Project. She’s back with a new book focusing on the four personality types categorized by how we respond to expectations.

The Gist:

We all respond differently to expectations. Some of us jump to command when there is an outer expectation- something others place on us (like an appointment or deadline at work). And others do well with inner expectations (like sticking to a diet or exercise plan). Every decision and behavior then boils down to how we respond to expectations based on our “tendency”.

*I found out that I’m an “Upholder” which is probably why I’m choosing to create a blog during my summer vacation. I like to meet outer expectations from others, and the inner expectations I place on myself. While that comes as a strength to simply getting stuff done, it also places me at a high risk for burnout, because I’m always striving to do more. Hence… the reason for this blog.

What is your personality type and how does it affect YOU in and out of the classroom? You can find out your Tendency by taking the QUIZ.

Classroom Connection:

Our whole day is about setting expectations. You are expected to follow the standards and expectations set by your state/district/administrators. You expect your students to follow the procedures for the lesson. But what happens when you get the kid(s) who aren’t motivated to do the work? What tasks are you able to do at work but not uphold at home? That’s where The Four Tendencies comes into play.

Schools are typically made for Upholders and Obligers, just as many of us teachers came into the profession because we were “good students” willing to meet expectations placed on us. But how do we meet the needs of the Questioners and the Rebels who just need a little say in how they learn? I know quite a few adults who did not do well in school but are some of the most curious lifelong learners I know. When I start back in the fall, I’d like to add a level of assessment to my beginning of the year data. I’d like to figure out the tendencies of my students. Not to label or box them in. But to understand them. To figure out what motivates them. To adjust my classroom and my teaching to provide the best opportunities for each student to thrive. How will you get to know the tendencies of your students?

Side note- check out #BookSnaps by Tara Martin for more information on how to annotate your thinking as you read!

Your mask first.

Welcome to Energizing Educators, a site for tidbits and tips in making the most of your life in and out of the classroom.

I’m Alisha Zare, a 4th-grade teacher in the bustling Bay Area who has learned the hard way that you must take care of yourself first, in order to take care of others. As a recovering perfectionist, I’d love to say that after 9 years in the classroom (2 schools, 3 grade levels, and 3 classrooms later) that I’ve “got it” together, but that’d be a lie. This site is coming from a place of survival, from a place of building confidence in times of anxiety, and a place where learning to stand up for myself as an educator had to come from me first recognizing that I simply can’t do it all.

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Remember back to last summer, when you were on that flight for a much needed vacation. You settled into the chair, buckled your seatbelt, and looked out the plane window anticipating all that was to come. The stewardess began reciting the safety protocols you’ve heard time and time before. Like the impatient student in the back of the classroom, you started to zone out, “Blah blah blah… blah blah blah.”

And then something caught your attention.

The oxygen mask.

Perking up in your seat, you heard the stewardess say, “Parents, please place the oxygen mask on yourself before helping small children or others who may need your assistance.”

That’s it. That’s what’s been wrong this whole time. How can we expect to take care of a classroom of children when we ourselves are running on empty?

So put your mask on first.

Recharge. Relax. Rejuvenate. And don’t forget to check here for tips to gain your life back by minimizing work stress and maximizing productivity both in and out of the classroom. You have to start looking out for you first, in order to be the amazing educator you know you can be.